I was driving down the road, thinking about life as you do, when it all started to come flooding back.
You know, I considered myself an atheist. I don’t believe in a God. I’m not sure if Jesus was a real person, let alone the son of God.
Yet something happened recently which challenged those assertions.
An angel appeared to me while I was walking down the road. He invited me to a party in heaven with Jesus.
Confused but intrigued, I accepted his invitation, and after drinking some purple fluid which wasn’t at all drug laced, I was on the trip of my life time.
I met Jesus in the Kingdom of Heaven. He seemed really pleased to meet me and wanted to invite me to his party happening at his resort.
I was stoked to meet him too, and I was looking forward to partying it up with him and having some wood fired pizza and beer. But there were some conditions I had to meet.
Firstly, I had to repent of my sins, including that one time I was late to school and just decided to not go. OK, I could do that.
Secondly, he asked me to believe in his pet dragon Snaug, even though he never showed me this dragon. I couldn’t believe in Snaug, and pretending wasn’t going to cut it. He’s Jesus after all.
So that was that, Jesus said he never knew me, and that Hell was reserved for me. What a dick.
While chatting with Jesus, I also found out why it has taken him so long to return to earth.
Apparently, he was spending time getting stoned with his girlfriend Mary Magdalene and forgot all about it. Jesus really likes his weed apparently. But then again, who is really surprised by that?
So yeah. I met Jesus but I guess you could say he was quite the jerk. I don’t want him or his father as my Lord and Savior. But what can you do? I feel conflicted.
I suppose I could go out and tell everyone what happened, but who would believe me? Nah, I’ll just go on living my life as normal, I think.
I snapped out of my day dream, realising I was now home. Feeling tired I decided to go and have a nap.
As I was drifting off to sleep, I heard a roaring sound in my ears, like the sound of waves washing in on a rough surf beach, and the noise gradually got louder.
I then heard footsteps in my room and sensed that someone was there. But who? I couldn’t tell. I suddenly realised I was paralyzed and couldn’t move a limb.
Then I heard a voice, it was loud, and reverberated in my ears.
“COVERT. Why are you rebelling against me bruh? I want you to know that all life is sacred to me.”
The next thing I knew, I was being transported somewhere fast.
I open my eyes and see that I’m standing by a fast-flowing river with a golden bridge arching over it. I can see beautiful trees and flowers of all kinds growing on each side of the river.
I then see a man with white robes and a trendy beard approach me.
It was Jesus.
Jesus: I realise we didn’t click too well earlier bruh, but I want you to check this out.
Me: OK. Check what out?
Jesus: Come, follow ye.
We walk across the bridge and we start walking through some trees. In among the trees I see a massive warehouse, which probably extended for several miles in each direction. Jesus opens a door for me, and we go inside.
Jesus: I want you to meet my mother, Mary.
A lady wearing a brown robe with a tunic covering her head came and hugged me.
Jesus: Mary oversees the operations of this warehouse. She will tell ya what’s going on. I gotta scoot!
Jesus then runs outside. I look around the warehouse and see babies lying naked side by side next to each other, as far as the eye could see.
Me: What is this?
Mary: These are the babies of mothers on earth who did not want them, because they decided to have an abortion.
Narrator: Oh hell no, I don’t wanna go down that rabbit hole.
Narrator: Fine… you owe me for this!
Me to Mary: I, wow… OK. What is going to happen to these babies?
Mary: If their mothers are saved, they can have them back after they die. If not, some other ‘saved’ mothers can have them in Heaven.
I think about this weird situation I have just been faced with.
Me: OK, I have a question then. So, these babies, they were aborted right?
Me: So, these babies will get to have an amazing life growing up in Heaven then? Free of disease and trouble?
Mary: Yes of course, only the best for them.
Me: OK. If this is so, why do Christians have an issue with abortion then? Their kids will go to Heaven, and they don’t have to worry about the possibility of going to Hell.
Mary: Goodness gracious Covert! You are murdering an innocent child. Are you OK with murder? Imagine if I decided to just abort Jesus!
Me: But it’s not really murder if you are going to see them again. I can understand why you might not be happy with having an abortion, for various reasons. But how about this? What if the child was going to grow up into a broken home, with neglected abusive parents? What if this child was set to grow up in poverty, spending his life drinking water with parasites in it and begging for food every day? Is it not better, for their sake, if they never were born?
Mary: No every life is sacred… God wills that they would live.
Me: … so God just decides that they must keep the fetus? What if the lady was raped? She must grow up rearing this child which she never chose to have otherwise. If she gives the child away, well… it might not be a bright future for them either.
Mary: Well what do you think happened with me? I reared Jesus and look what became of him. Do you know about all the amazing things my son Jesus has done?
Me: Yes… my point exactly. Also, he forgot to return to earth too. What a guy! The world is in a right state now. Jesus fetus should probably have been aborted. Imagine a world without Christianity?
Mary: Jesus was not just a fetus. None of them are just fetuses! They are all future children, creations of God!
Me: OK, so these fetuses, they start off as fertilized sperm eggs, right?
Mary: Yes. All designed and guided by God.
Me: But what about the rest of the sperm eggs? When a sperm egg fertilizes and pregnancy starts occurring, at what point does this sperm become a person?
Mary: They are all people.
Me: I… OK. Sorry if I’m being explicit here, but if a guy masturbates, is he then committing mass murder?
Mary: Haven’t you heard of the term Onanism? Onan refused to spill his seed and impregnate his brothers’ widow. So, God slayed him. So yes, they are a murderer, slaying up to 200 million people!
Me: Righto. This is getting a bit fucked up.
Narrator: Yes, can things get any more screwed up?
Mary: Don’t worry, like the aborted fetuses, God has a plan for these unfertilized eggs too. Come (no not in that way) let me show you.
Mary leads me through the warehouse floor, past rows and rows of babies lying in cribs. She then leads me to an elevator door, and we go upwards.
Narrator: Ten minutes later…
We arrive at the top floor of the warehouse, and the door opens. This room is empty, except for a large screen on the wall, with a video showing a large green planet with swirling oceans.
Mary: This planet is called Macro Earth. Just like the hairs on your head, every sperm is sacred. Those which are discarded, or have never won the egg race, they grow up here. Macro Earth is massive, currently housing over four trillion spermians. Recently there has been a splurge in population growth here, following release of a new Kim Kardashian sex tape. This has meant we are running out of space on this planet, but not to worry, God has plans for a Macro Earth 2, if you want to know.
Me: No, I don’t want to know any more thank you. It has been nice meeting you, why did Jesus send me here exactly?
Mary: He wanted you to know that every life is sacred, and that he even cherishes you! If you believe in him and have him as your Lord and Savior before it’s too late, you can still avoid eternal hellfire.
Me: Righto. Yes I’ve been through here before, but I’m not interested thank you, such a psychotic murderous immoral God is not worthy of my admiration or time. Please send me back again.
Mary: OK I’ll go grab Jes
Jesus appears in a flash
Jesus: So Covert, how was that? Pretty neat right!? Ah wait, I already know what you thought about it.
Me: You knew beforehand what I would think about it too, cheeky bastard. I’m not having you as my Lord and Savior, so send me back please.
I find I’m back in my bed again at home. I feel groggy, and my head is throbbing, trying to process what on earth just happened.
I think I’ll not go to work today after that. Leave me alone Jesus.
- The Overt Atheist?