Archangel Gabriel was out polishing his trumpet in the opera house, at the Kingdom of Heaven™ resort, when he suddenly got a call. Picking up his God Phone IX, from the pocket of his angel robes, a man with white robes, brown hair, and a trendy beard appeared on the screen.
It was Jesus.
Gabriel receives several thousand calls a day, most of which he has to field away to other angels, but this was something he couldn’t ignore, and it was addressed specifically to him. So Gabriel pushed a button and answered.
Gabriel: Your highness, Gabriel speaking.
Jesus: Yo Gabe! What’s up man? Haha wait, don’t worry, I already know.
Gabriel: … yes nothing is ever hidden from you, your highness. Why am I being called?
Jesus: This is very important brah, daddy Yahweh wants to meet with you.
Gabriel: What have I done?
Jesus: Nothing, don’t fret. He wants to meet with you at the throne complex, right now. He will discuss everything with you. It’s going to be a blast!
Gabriel: OK. I will go see him now. Thank you Lord.
Jesus: No worries my faithful servant. Afterwards we could go and smoke some tokes if you’re keen?
Gabriel: I… don’t smoke.
Jesus: No worries, catch you laters.
Jesus hangs up. Gabriel puts his trumpet down, and then puts a finger to his head. All of a sudden the opera house dissolves around him, and he finds himself in a massive throne room. There is a gigantic golden throne with a male royal figure sitting on it. His hair was snowy white and he had a large beard. The figure was dressed in a toga decorated with all kinds of shiny jewels, covering his muscular body.
It was Yahweh. In one of his hands, he held a giant golden trident. Flying above him were seraphim, each with six wings, and they were calling to each other:
“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole heavens are full of his glory.”
Gabriel: I am here Lord, why do you seek me?
Yahweh: Gabriel, my messenger, I have something important to show you.
Yahweh lifts up his trident, the room lights up, and all of a sudden a large screen appears on the opposite wall. The screen projects a 3D image of a planet, with white swirly clouds, oceans and green land masses on it.
Yahweh: Behold, I am going to create a new planet, with new beings to populate it called humans. They will look after it, and seek to glorify me day and night. I am going to call this The Sims: Earth Edition.
Yahweh: Yes, I know. But the thing is, it gets boring hearing people sing my praises day in and out, you know? I want people to choose to worship me, or at least I want it to seem like they’re choosing me, because the alternative, you don’t want to think about it. Do you understand Gabe?
Gabriel: Yes Lord. I understand you completely.
Yahweh: Great. It’s much more thrilling that way. So the first humans I’m making are called Adam and Eve. Now look at this Gabe, they have this awesome garden to live in, with all these lovely animals to look after. There’s elephants, monkeys, behemoth and the tastiest of fruit trees in this garden. Now I’m going to put this magical banana tree in there as a test for them, it is forbidden and off limits. They don’t know right from wrong, but if they eat from this tree, they will know what is good, and I will be forced to curse them and all their descendants.
Gabriel: I don’t understand. Why would you do that?
Yahweh: I don’t want robots, I want them to choose to worship me.
Gabriel: But the punishment for their descendants?
Yahweh: That’s what they get for disobeying me.
Gabriel: OK, your ways are higher than my ways. And if they don’t eat from the banana tree?
Yahweh: Oh they will, I know they will. I am going to place it in the middle of the garden, and I’m going to send Satan down, in snake form, to tempt them and to trick them.
Gabriel: So, they don’t know right from wrong, and you’re going to let them get tricked into eating bananas, which will cause them and their future descendants to be cursed? That sounds like you’re setting them up to fail.
Yahweh: Wait, you’re not hearing me out. Several thousand years later, I have a plan to send my son Jesus down on a cross, to die for them, which will allow the future descendants to make amends with me, even though they didn’t do anything to deserve being cursed. Hahaha!
Gabriel: Wow. I have no words Lord.
Yahweh starts running the simulation. Adam and Eve eat the bananas as predicted, and everyone gets cursed. But then, Yahweh starts cursing from his lips.
Yahweh: Fuck damn, I didn’t expect this. The humans are rebelling. First they start to build a tower to try and reach us here, that can’t happen, so I confused them all by making them speak different languages. Second, some of the humans there started having sex with our angels, and only god knows what their offspring look like. They tried to become independent from me! So I blew over the oceans and sent a giant flood to destroy everyone except for Noah and his family. Let’s start again.
Gabriel: Aren’t you all knowing, wouldn’t you have seen this all coming surely?
Yahweh: Shut up Gabriel! Do not question me.
Gabriel: Sorry Lord. So what now?
Yahweh: There are several million humans on this planet now, and I am sending Jesus down to give the good news and die on a cross.
Jesus happened to be listening nearby.
Jesus: Wait, I didn’t hear that part. Do I have to man?
Yahweh: Yes, there is no other way. Now get back to your partying again, I will call you when I need you.
Jesus runs outside again.
Yahweh: Now where were we? OK these humans have a choice to accept and believe in Jesus’s message or not. He’s going to tell them he’s my son, and that they must believe in him as their lord and savior. If they accept it, they can hang out in heaven with me after they die. If not, they will go to Hell for eternity.
Gabriel: What’s Hell?
Yahweh: It is a place of eternal suffering and torment. It was originally designed for the naughty angels who rebelled against me, but I have just left it open, you know? Any humans who don’t believe in Jesus’s message will go there, and burn and be tortured for ever and ever, even if they are decent sounding humans. I am just.
Gabriel: I don’t see how that is very just or loving, but OK then.
Yahweh: Gabriel, they disobeyed me by refusing to believe and accept the good news. So now they must suffer forever. Also I can’t have everyone just coming up here, where’s the fun in that? And now, the reason you’re here. I want you to go down to earth and tell Mary about my newborn son.
Yahweh continues to run the simulation. Many million are born and then go to Hell to suffer eternally, while a few end up with nice houses in the Kingdom of Heaven Resort™. Gabriel visits Earth and tells Mary. Then Jesus visits Earth, dies, rises again and tells the humans ‘I will be coming soon’, but then joins a party with Mary Magdalene up in the resort, and forgets all about it.
Two thousand years, a couple world wars and several pandemics pass, while billions more are born and die, being sent to Hell in The Sims: Planet Earth. Then Gabriel gets another phone call, this time directly from Yahweh himself.
Yahweh: Gabriel, I want you to go down to earth to meet Covert. Bring him back here, for some more good news.
Gabriel: What is the good news, Lord?
Yahweh: Jesus is not coming back any time soon, and he has a girlfriend.
– The Covert Atheist.
Cover Image Source: NASA