Yahweh Plays The Sims: Planet Earth.

Archangel Gabriel was out polishing his trumpet in the opera house, at the Kingdom of Heaven  resort, when he suddenly got a call. Picking up his God Phone IX, from the pocket of his angel robes, a man with white robes, brown hair, and a trendy beard appeared on the screen.

It was Jesus.

Gabriel receives several thousand calls a day, most of which he has to field away to other angels, but this was something he couldn’t ignore, and it was addressed specifically to him. So Gabriel pushed a button and answered.

Gabriel: Your highness, Gabriel speaking.

Jesus: Yo Gabe! What’s up man? Haha wait, don’t worry, I already know.

Gabriel: … yes nothing is ever hidden from you, your highness. Why am I being called?

Jesus: This is very important brah, daddy Yahweh wants to meet with you.

Gabriel: What have I done?

Jesus: Nothing, don’t fret. He wants to meet with you at the throne complex, right now. He will discuss everything with you. It’s going to be a blast!

Gabriel: OK. I will go see him now. Thank you Lord.

Jesus: No worries my faithful servant. Afterwards we could go and smoke some tokes if you’re keen?

Gabriel: I… don’t smoke.

Jesus: No worries, catch you laters.

Jesus hangs up. Gabriel puts his trumpet down, and then puts a finger to his head. All of a sudden the opera house dissolves around him, and he finds himself in a massive throne room. There is a gigantic golden throne with a male royal figure sitting on it. His hair was snowy white and he had a large beard. The figure was dressed in a toga decorated with all kinds of shiny jewels, covering his muscular body.

It was Yahweh. In one of his hands, he held a giant golden trident. Flying above him were seraphim, each with six wings, and they were calling to each other:

“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole heavens are full of his glory.”

Gabriel: I am here Lord, why do you seek me?

Yahweh: Gabriel, my messenger, I have something important to show you.

Yahweh lifts up his trident, the room lights up, and all of a sudden a large screen appears on the opposite wall. The screen projects a 3D image of a planet, with white swirly clouds, oceans and green land masses on it.

Yahweh: Behold, I am going to create a new planet, with new beings to populate it called humans. They will look after it, and seek to glorify me day and night. I am going to call this The Sims: Earth Edition.

Gabriel: Wow.

Yahweh: Yes, I know. But the thing is, it gets boring hearing people sing my praises day in and out, you know? I want people to choose to worship me, or at least I want it to seem like they’re choosing me, because the alternative, you don’t want to think about it. Do you understand Gabe?

Gabriel: Yes Lord. I understand you completely.

Yahweh: Great. It’s much more thrilling that way. So the first humans I’m making are called Adam and Eve. Now look at this Gabe, they have this awesome garden to live in, with all these lovely animals to look after. There’s elephants, monkeys, behemoth and the tastiest of fruit trees in this garden. Now I’m going to put this magical banana tree in there as a test for them, it is forbidden and off limits. They don’t know right from wrong, but if they eat from this tree, they will know what is good, and I will be forced to curse them and all their descendants.

Gabriel: I don’t understand. Why would you do that?

Yahweh: I don’t want robots, I want them to choose to worship me.

Gabriel: But the punishment for their descendants?

Yahweh: That’s what they get for disobeying me.

Gabriel: OK, your ways are higher than my ways. And if they don’t eat from the banana tree?

Yahweh: Oh they will, I know they will. I am going to place it in the middle of the garden, and I’m going to send Satan down, in snake form, to tempt them and to trick them.

Gabriel: So, they don’t know right from wrong, and you’re going to let them get tricked into eating bananas, which will cause them and their future descendants to be cursed? That sounds like you’re setting them up to fail.

Yahweh: Wait, you’re not hearing me out. Several thousand years later, I have a plan to send my son Jesus down on a cross, to die for them, which will allow the future descendants to make amends with me, even though they didn’t do anything to deserve being cursed. Hahaha!

Gabriel: Wow. I have no words Lord.

Yahweh starts running the simulation. Adam and Eve eat the bananas as predicted, and everyone gets cursed. But then, Yahweh starts cursing from his lips.

Yahweh: Fuck damn, I didn’t expect this. The humans are rebelling. First they start to build a tower to try and reach us here, that can’t happen, so I confused them all by making them speak different languages. Second, some of the humans there started having sex with our angels, and only god knows what their offspring look like. They tried to become independent from me! So I blew over the oceans and sent a giant flood to destroy everyone except for Noah and his family. Let’s start again.

Gabriel: Aren’t you all knowing, wouldn’t you have seen this all coming surely?

Yahweh: Shut up Gabriel! Do not question me.

Gabriel: Sorry Lord. So what now?

Yahweh: There are several million humans on this planet now, and I am sending Jesus down to give the good news and die on a cross.

Jesus happened to be listening nearby.

Jesus: Wait, I didn’t hear that part. Do I have to man?

Yahweh: Yes, there is no other way. Now get back to your partying again, I will call you when I need you.

Jesus runs outside again.

Yahweh: Now where were we? OK these humans have a choice to accept and believe in Jesus’s message or not. He’s going to tell them he’s my son, and that they must believe in him as their lord and savior. If they accept it, they can hang out in heaven with me after they die. If not, they will go to Hell for eternity.

Gabriel: What’s Hell?

Yahweh: It is a place of eternal suffering and torment. It was originally designed for the naughty angels who rebelled against me, but I have just left it open, you know? Any humans who don’t believe in Jesus’s message will go there, and burn and be tortured for ever and ever, even if they are decent sounding humans. I am just.

Gabriel: I don’t see how that is very just or loving, but OK then.

Yahweh: Gabriel, they disobeyed me by refusing to believe and accept the good news. So now they must suffer forever. Also I can’t have everyone just coming up here, where’s the fun in that? And now, the reason you’re here. I want you to go down to earth and tell Mary about my newborn son.

Yahweh continues to run the simulation. Many million are born and then go to Hell to suffer eternally, while a few end up with nice houses in the Kingdom of Heaven Resort. Gabriel visits Earth and tells Mary. Then Jesus visits Earth, dies, rises again and tells the humans ‘I will be coming soon’, but then joins a party with Mary Magdalene up in the resort, and forgets all about it.

Two thousand years, a couple world wars and several pandemics pass, while billions more are born and die, being sent to Hell in The Sims: Planet Earth. Then Gabriel gets another phone call, this time directly from Yahweh himself.

Yahweh: Gabriel, I want you to go down to earth to meet Covert. Bring him back here, for some more good news.

Gabriel: What is the good news, Lord?

Yahweh: Jesus is not coming back any time soon, and he has a girlfriend.

– The Covert Atheist.

The story continues >>>


Cover Image Source: NASA

11 thoughts on “Yahweh Plays The Sims: Planet Earth.

    1. Yep, more satirical movies need to be made on things like this. Although you could argue that many Christian filmmakers end up making fun of themselves and their own religion, whether they were intentional or not…

      Liked by 2 people

  1. I had a similar conversation with my Bible believing husband. I’m not mocking it. I literally want an answer that makes sense! So far I’ve gotten nothing except “his ways are higher than our ways”. Evidentally he’s an evil mastermind who enjoys suffering.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Your husband is still Christian? I am wondering does that make things a bit more difficult seeing as you aren’t Christian anymore?
      People saw God in the same way as people treated their kings and queens of the past, or a dictator today. You don’t question them, and they want your unwavering loyalty, or else… Hence the popular phrase “his ways are higher than our ways”. In our post modern day society though, more people are becoming more averse to the idea of a dictatorial God, and they’re unafraid to look down the well and see things for what they really are.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sometimes I get annoyed but I understand where he’s coming from. We don’t go to church. He’s done with that. So at least we aren’t arguing about his I don’t attend church with him. But I do get annoyed by the answers to life’s problems. Actually Christianity is an easy fix for most people. The only problem is that it makes zero sense. But in their heads, it makes a ton of sense. Get with the program or else.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. It’s much easier when they don’t go to church, because then they aren’t being consistently indoctrinated, and feel that they have to try and win you back over again. If you guys can make things work despite having different beliefs, that’s great, it’s how things should be.
        For me I always felt Christianity (and religion in general) was based more on emotions and doctrine than any kind of logic. But for many, their emotions are more convincing for them.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. My husband is a logical guy. Seems odd that I say that but he is. I think he clings to the Bible because he grew up in it (I did too) and it feels bizarre and evil to say it doesn’t make sense. His dad is still a devout Christian so that plays into too. I don’t know what to think about God. I am not saying he doesn’t exist but I don’t know if he does either. I’m on the fence until I can figure out my belief system. Right now I have no love for church and the Bible is confusing as hell. Too many people have abused me with it so I don’t have many nice things to say about it anymore.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Great post
    My favorite line was That sounds like you’re setting them up to fail.

    Sometimes I wonder if satan was also programmed right from the beginning to do what the bible says satan does

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I had lots of fun writing this.
      Some denominations of Christianity would say he was, or that God planned him to be there, knowing full well what would go on. Either way it’s fucked up. God puts this tree there, knowing full well that they would eat from it. In return, he punishes mankind. And for what? all they did was eat some fruit. By itself it has no moral consequences and the only ‘bad’ thing they did was disobey an order from God.

      Liked by 1 person

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