So I was walking down the road, minding my own business, when poof, a man appeared out of nowhere. He was wearing white robes, and with some large wings on his back. He kinda looked like an angel from those lovely Christmas postcards in the bargain bin.
Angel: Greetings, I am Gabriel. God has sent me to tell you about the Great Invitation.
Me: I… wow. What’s that?
Angel: Jesus, he’s having a party at the Kingdom of Heaven Resort ™ tonight. I am sending an invitation to you on behalf of him. Would you like to come? First 100 get free drinks.
I felt pretty skeptical about the whole ordeal. I believed in Jesus growing up, but I always assumed now there were many holes in the Bible and Christianity, so I stopped believing. I also assumed that this Jesus, if he were real, would be nothing like the divine Jesus in the Bible. But hey, what could go wrong? I’ll give it a shot and meet this Jesus.
Me: Let me check my schedule Gabe, I should be free then, and I’d be happy to meet with and party with this Jesus.
Angel: You will refer to him as Jesus, the Son of God.
Me: Ah OK, sorry about that Gabrious. Just one problem, how will I get there?
Gabriel: Instant transmission of course! How else? Are you thinking that the Son of God can’t bend space, time and all reason? I could take you now if you like, just drink this drink.
He pulls out a bottle with some purple bubbling fluid. Against all common reason I take a drink.
Me: Ahh, OK. Let’s go.
Everything goes blurry, I feel a rush of adrenaline in the body, and all of a sudden I notice I’m somewhere else.
I see I’m now standing on a large sea of clouds up in the sky, yet somehow I’m not falling through them. There are some fancy golden gates in the background with what looks like a deluxe resort inside. Suddenly the gates open and a white robed figure with a trendy beard runs out. He is totally not Jewish and not black, just like on some cathedral windows!
Man: Yo duuuuuuude, It’s Jesus! Do you remember me brah?
He runs up to me and gives me a hug. I can smell alcohol on his breath and his robe smelt a little like he may have been smoking some grass, if you know what I mean.
Me: I remember reading about you in the Bible and from church I guess.
Jesus: Well we have the awesomest party going on here right now. We got pools with swim up bars, top notch quality DJ’s, wood-fired pizza and plenty of weed to go around, if you know what I mean.
He laughs and the laugh quickly turns to coughing. I notice my feet getting quite wet and cold, I should’ve taken waterproof shoes, so much vapour around. I also feel a bit light headed, is there less oxygen way up here in the sky?
Me: Wow that sounds pretty rad Jesus. When may I enter?
Jesus: The invitation is out to everyone but there are some boxes you gotta check brah. We can’t have any sus people hanging out here ya know?
Me: OK what are the requirements Jebus?
Jesus: Well, first off you gotta repent of all your sins. That one time you lied about being sick to get out of school when you were 8, that wasn’t on. Also those times you lusted after your girl, real bad. Did you know that when you lust after someone you are murdering them in your heart? Daddy Yahweh is a jealous God.
It seems pretty dickish of him to keep a record of all the so called ‘wrongs’ I have done. How loving is that? But OK, if I tell him I’m sorry and won’t do it again I guess I can go to the party.
Me: I’m sorry. I won’t sin again if it means I can go to the Kingdom of Heaven ™ resort. Can you forgive me?
Jesus: Yeah sure brother, I can. And there is one more thing.
Me: What’s that?
Jesus: I have a fire breathing pet dragon called Snaug that’s good at poetry, and who is totally not a ripoff of Smaug. You must believe that this dragon exists in order to enter the heavenly resort. So now, my question is, do you believe I have a fire breathing dragon who speaks poetry?
I think about this for a minute. Dragons aren’t real, are they? Unless you count the Komodo dragon, they are works of fiction. I find it absurd Jesus would have a fire breathing dragon who could also speak. But if I say no, I won’t be able to enter.
Me: Yes Jesus, I believe without a doubt you are the Son of God and you have a fire breathing pet dragon…
Jesus: I can see your thoughts brah, I know you ain’t believing that. Daddy Yahweh hates liars.
Me: Oh damn. Well, that’s not very fair then.
Jesus: Since the day you were born God has made it clear to you that I have a dragon, so you are without excuse.
Me: But I have never heard of or had any proof that this dragon exists, yet you are asking me to believe? Can I see this dragon for myself then?
Jesus: Oh ye of little faith. Those who believe without seeing, they are truly blessed brah. I am not going to show you for you must have faith!
Me: Well, that’s not going to work. Guess I was screwed from the start then.
Jesus: Then I never knew you. Do you know what the Bible says about sexually immoral unbelievers? They will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulphur! I am love, but if you refuse my offer of salvation then I have no other choice.
Me: Yeah you’re right, I never really knew you, and I’m not sure I want to. Why do you need to make a Hell at all? If this is you then you’re a real dick, Jesus. Where’s Satan’s party at? Also, didn’t you say before leaving earth that you were coming back soon?
Jesus makes a blank stare and then appears to be pondering something.
Jesus: … what?
Me: You said you were coming back? To rescue your believers?
Jesus: Once the right number of people come to believe in me I will return.
Me: It’s been more than two thousand years, several pandemics and a couple of world wars now! How many million more must be born, suffer and die before you return? Also, aren’t you sending more people to Hell by prolonging your return???
Jesus: Two thousand years? Oh Christ! Sorry I forgot brah. My girlfriend Mary Mag invited me to this party; I turned some water into wine, had a couple of joints, and I just forgot all about it. Been partying here the whole time! It has been fun, though.
Me: I wonder what daddy Yahweh thinks about all this then?
Jesus: Dad? He’s even more of a dick than me! He’s cool with it, since we are both the same person yet different somehow.
Me: Well I’m done talking with you Jesus. Can you send me back please?
Jesus: I am sad you refused my loving offer, though you didn’t believe anyway.
A lady behind the gate shouts something out to Jesus.
Jesus: Hang on Mary! I will be there soon babe, just chatting with a bro.
Jesus: OK, I will send you back.
I feel a rush of adrenaline to the head, everything goes blurry and then I wake up feeling nauseous lying in a car park behind a convenience store. Wow, that was some trip. I have to put this all into a book and tell everyone about it.
Jesus isn’t coming back.
Also he has a girlfriend.
– The Covert Atheist.
Cover Image Source: Aleheads